What part of me wants to be highlighted right now?
What aspect of me wants to come out?
…questions inspired by "I Am Me," poem by KJ Song, after noticing my tendency to feel insecure.
How can I let me be me?
There is a depth and richness to KJ's message that invites me into greater presence and gives me new hope for life. I feel more open to connection with others, more curious, more safe in my being, more awake.
As I began my journey to Colorado this week, I felt stressed with logistics at home, and fear of something going wrong. My body tensed and couldn't settle on the plane.
Then I recalled a friend's suggestion to follow the pleasure.
I asked myself, "where's the pleasure in my body?" and noticed the sensations in the area where my mind went.
In a packed plane full of strangers, I was in my habit of holding it all together and appearing "normal." But what's normal to me at this time in life is to shake and undulate when I'm releasing pent-up tension. The way my body moves when I surrender and let go is loud. It attracts attention.
In a world full of civilized people who have been trained to be stoic, "kind," "safe," etc, I was trained out of my true expression, my Aliveness, my potency. I feel vulnerable writing this. It feels scary to come alive again.
My familiar protective patterns that I've trusted start to soften and the sensation of my body opening feels uncomfortable. As I let the energy flow through, sitting next to an older man and remembering my father saying to me, "do you ever sit still?" I imagine this one thinking, "what's wrong with you?"
When this aliveness comes back online, it turns people on. But this aliveness also wakes up what's been numbed - joy, sadness, grief, anger, pleasure, desire… It feels foreign at first to really be with what’s been pushed away. Discomfort may arise with the unknown. Defensive strategies may arise with the discomfort - projection, blame, control, etc.
More and more I'm learning to stand in my true being, allow myself to be present with whatever I feel, move through the discomfort and allow others to have what they’re feeling (or not feeling). I’m learning to release the co-dependent patterns of controlling my expression to help others feel comfortable and safe. Because I want to feel alive, and I want to inspire others to feel alive, too.
Post inspired by "xndercurrents" by KJ Song
For more wisdom and advice on what to do when you're in a life funk, check out what my friend Mike Mantell has to say.
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