I just started an intimacy intensive, where I get to explore relational intimacy online with a small group for several weeks.
The first practice was to get intimate with a piece of fruit we chose: Look at it, enjoy it, see it in new ways. Notice what we feel as we become more present with it. Experience it on our bodies and mouths. Is it ok to feel aroused as we allow ourselves to enjoy this fruit more fully? Are we able to be present with this pleasure as we see the others in the group in their pleasure? Can we turn up or down the spiciness to the level that we want to be at?
For me, I was too scared to follow my pleasure. I wanted to feel the grapes on my chest, but I felt unsafe to do so. What if the neighbors saw me (as I was sitting outside)? I could've gone inside, disrobed, shown only my shoulders and above on camera (the boundary set by the facilitator), and continued enjoying the grapes as I pleased, but I didn't follow that idea. Fear of being seen stopped me. Even AI doesn't like the idea of "sensually caressing with grapes" (it rejected that prompt as I was searching for an image).
What would happen if I was seen in my pleasure? I've been afraid that something would be taken from me, like a flower plucked that wasn't ready to be taken. How far back does that fear go, I wonder? What's the origin, I ask myself. I listen and feel for the answer. Sitting with the sensation that arises, I ask what it needs.
A recognition that I have autonomy over my body now, and the ability to know and voice my own boundaries. Even if I'm shiny and attractive in my pleasure, I can learn to trust myself and those around me to respect me and hold boundaries well.
Now a different question - what do I need in order to feel safe being seen in my pleasure?
The willingness to feel it. Not just pleasure, but also pain.
What do I need in order to be willing to feel anything fully?
Faith that I'm not going to die from what I'm feeling.
And with that, the ability to titrate - move between feeling what's challenging, and something more easeful. Being present with the discomfort, then with comfort, and back & forth until we have greater capacity to be with the pleasure, or pain, or whatever else we're feeling that we couldn't be present with before.
Increasing our capacity to feel will also increase our capacity for intimacy, and our capacity for long-term, nourishing relationships. It will open us to true connection, with ourselves and others. That's something I want... is that what you want?
Pleasure itself can be a lifeline - something to bring us more joy, delight, aliveness and health. It doesn't even have to be sexual by nature. But a lot of us have felt shame for experiencing pleasure in so many different ways. Can we un-shame our pleasure? Can we learn healthy boundaries of our own and find more delight and joy in life?
If you'd like help in learning how to feel more pleasure and aliveness with yourself and others, schedule a call to see if intimacy coaching or bodywork may be supportive.
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